" A little bit of contradiction"

Damn, So schools a bit overwhelming and definitely things have changed.

I got through the first week of school, and yes I am finally a senior! Class of Dimes, Wsuh ;D
But a lot of things have been running around my mind and I feel the need to blog about it.
School has been great on the most part, having classes with people I normally don't have classes with,
new teachers, and I feel I have finally found my independence.&I bet your asking yourself
how I found this so called "independence" and don't worry I'll tell you guys why.

So, all past 3 years of highschool has been centered around doing what I thought I should be doing,
telling people this is what they should do; etc. I felt that I needed certain people around to know that I
was safe, somewhat like a safety blanket in a sense. But this year, is my year. Nobody else's, just m-i-n-e.
College is a couple months away and let me tell you how anxious, excited, nervous I am. But this year
everything I do can determine what and which college I go to. I know this year everybody expects for it to be
a "chill year", the end of a new beginning. but for me, it's the beginning of a new path.I chose to do
classes I never got to experience like journalism, photo, & once again theatre. But honestly, the class I have no
idea of how I got into was, Pre Cal Honors which I absolutely feel I don't belong in. But I'm not gonna
drop it because I feel like this is where I should've of been since freshman year. I guess in many senses I lessened
my expectations for myself the past 3 years and I guess it's like they say, "better late, than never." I'm gonna
do me this year, gonna focus on school and my future goals, a boy isn't going to complete me,& I think
I've finally realized that today.

I've been growing up thinking I needed someone to make me happy, someone who could fulfill the needs I have,
and the wants. But I guess I have all my life to worry about everyone else, and sometimes we need to be selfish
and my time is now. I'm not saying that I'd push anyone that can come close to my heart but maybe I should actually
get to know somebody, and I don't mean after a couple weeks or days, I mean actually fall for somebody after a legitamate time period. The contradictions never end, and I've noticed that contradictions are always around for example, talking to my cousin amber about why we want a boyfriend and how were ready to settle down, this and
that;etc.& when someone is finally around we start to realize that youre better off single that theres always an issue why you can't be with that person who is everything you've always wanted. I know in our lifetime we've all been through situations where you felt that it wasn't what you really wanted and we find any excuse to make ourselves feel better but lately, I feel that there are no more excuses to make up and I really want to find out the answers to those questions.

To why our hearts push away the ones that you need, and why our minds tell us that our wants are greater.
Now think about it, is our wants > our needs? Contradictions, contradictions. It's overwhelming thinking
about it don't you agree? Well, changing topics I recently watched a couple of dvds that made me think a lot as well. "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button."& "Slumdog Millionaire"



Both these movies made me realized that love doesn't come around the corner if you chase it,Love can

come from everywhere, and when it's ready to happen it will happen. & Maybe like I've been believing God

wants me to do something for myself for once and he wants me to learn before I know all the answers.& When the

time comes the answers will all be laid out,perfectly for me to understand. Life is way too short to dwell on

our dreams and hopes, we are all living in reality and instead of dwelling on them we should make them happen.I hope this year will bring me the virtue of patience. I'm going to end this blog with a quote from the movie,

"The Curious Case of Benjamin Button":

..."For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit,

stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or

the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you

never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find

that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."

xoxo,
Ayobee™

"Shes looking for forever but Im looking for a goodtime."

Okay,so from the last time I blogged it was sort of a downer.
&to update you guys about whats been going on, everything is pretty well.
So, I've pretty much decided to live by the quote below and

"MOVE FORWARD,NO REGRETS."

&Definitely, there are NO regrets. I believe that everything happens for a reason
and I've came to realize that I got to do things
on my own to get what I want. I'm doing
this year different,
senior year wsup? School is almost a couple of days away, &
I think I'm ready to keep moving forward. Well,
I bet your wondering why my blog title is what it is and let me tell you what it means.
So have you ever met someone
that's looking for forever? someone that believes at this young age of ours that were
going to get married?
Someone that wants to tie you down for life and expects to live with you and alla that crap? Well,
lets say from what
I heard it aint a good path to get on. Honestly, at this age forever isn't really forever. I think we
should just enjoy the
time we have here, and enjoy every person that comes into our lives but never waste any
time on the unnecessary situations we face, yaaaadigggggg? But anywaysssss..My summmer,
damn let me tell you it was m&mazing and...I think

I ended my summer just perfectly<3

..meeting that jerkFACE ;D
learning how to drive a stick, hahaha! having dinner @ cheesecake with cousin& the two fagnuts ha! & walking
up that long assss hill to the observatory haha omgaaahd, workout much? haha!overall a grrr-eat night,definitely(:
well, anywaysssss.vegas in a day with the cousin, jamesys,&kevin haaaa! super excited!

"what happens in vega$$$ stays in vega$$$"

I met a lot of obstacles this summer and I learned a lot and I'm excited for what this new year of 2010 is going
to bring me. But like everyday, I'll keep my head up high and smile because a smile goes a long way and whatever I face I know that I have God right behind me<3Oh ! & that reminds me, I really need to go to church becos' I havent gone in a long while -_- I know right ? But I mean, I pray eeveryday so I guess that counts too right?
Well, I'll update this when I get back from vegas.

xoxo,

Ayobee™

"Welcome to Rockbottom."

It's hard to go by everyday trying to prove a point.
It's hard thinking that you have so much to offer but you haven't been appreciated.
It's hard knowing that life doesn't always give you lemons, but gives you a pitcher with nothing inside.
Life, is hard, and noone said it would be easy and right now I've reached the lowest of lowes.
God, I need you<3
and I know it's cliche to think that I'll be down in the dumps forever but sh*t, why can't
my parents understand me? Seriously, I feel like I try to say connected with them, and I tell them
alot more than I should. But yet, it's never enough is it? I've never felt this hurt by the
words my dad has told me and mos'def I can't really have any sympathy for what he's going through
since he is taking it out on me which is unfair. To hear them say, "..how can you be
the savior of the family if your not even thinking, you don't appreciate us, you need to stop running away
from your problems, it's like on repeat in my head and each time tears fall down my
cheek. It hurts. To the depths of my soul, and on top of that, my heart feels the need to just
take a vacation once again, and sh/t I feel so stupid. I need to learn, i really do because disappointment
is NOT an option. I'm going to do whatever is necessary to make it through life,and with or without
my parents by my side, IDGAF. I know maybe I'm just angry and sad that I'm writing this
but because of ones failures, I'm the one that has to put up with the after effect and it;s not fair at ALL.
Life is life, and like Mark says, you really have no say as a minor. I'm counting the months til
i'm fucking 18, cos' the day I do I'll know that my voice actually really matters but it's kind of funny
how the media encourages us to "Raise Our Voice" when really does our voice matter?


xoxo,
Ayobee™